So here I am Sunday morning alone with my thoughts. I'm already getting texts asking "where I am" and "why I'm not at church right now". Truthfully I don't want to go because right now God and I are at odds. This is a very uncomfortable feeling, not because of the backlash I might receive, but because my whole life this would be considered Christian treason, and a lack of spiritual fervor. Right now I feel farther away from God, and to be honest I think I need the space. Maybe it's incredible foresight on my part or insanity but I need this time to either see and understand how good he has been to me or find out if I had this thing right all along. I'm struggling with purpose, something I use to think He would take care of if I was diligent, however recent events have cause me to once again question my "EVERYTHING". A friend of mine recently went through one of the most trying and inconceivable tragedies I could ever imagine. This young man lost his first born after 7mos and for the all the wisdom I might exude nothing I come up with makes this incident make any sense. This friend was becoming an incredible father by all accounts, he wasn't a statistic leaving the mother to fend on her own, he worked hard and loved his son like a real man should. Worked hard, love hard and yet his investment and future was taken from him because it was all in God's plan…so they tell me to tell him. The more I think about that the angrier I get at God and truthfully the more I hate this ambiguous feeling I'm suppose to have as a believer. This just seems so wrong, but who am I to question God am right, who am I to say this wasn't His divine will to cause people close to the situation closer to Him. Well I'm a confused angry curious and frankly scared individual who is starting to see God for who he is and not what we make Him out to be. We make God out to be this all loving all knowing supremely powerful being who acts on His own accord void of human logic or human justice. He is able to take away who He wants, exalt who He wants, all for the glory for which he is immensely jealous about. I use to think I understood this but then I came to the conclusion that I only understand it when I can make it make sense or when it worked out in my own favor. But when an incident like this happens, I question it all. If he has His own logic and justice outside of man's, then why am I here. Why do I need to strive to achieve anything when for His glory He can take it all away in the blink of an eye. When people are telling me that I just need to listen to Him and find my purpose I get so frustrated because these same people don't even know what that really means, I don't think anybody knows what that really mean and I'm getting sick of it being my explanation for what's to come for me. And as sick as I'm becoming of it all I'm even more upset with letting other people dictate where I should go to for my own success. They tell me God they tell me school, they tell me a number of things via pressure that I have succumb to like a talented teenage girl with low confidence as the starting quarterback pressures her to love him a little more. This feeling sickens me. I only get one shot at this life and I'm starting to feel like all of it this far has come about via outside pressure and not my own inward journey. In the end I liken myself to the adolescent woman with tons of potential and a heart to do right by someone she thought she loved..I feel fucked! Excuse my Spanish…and this all may change as most things in my mind in my heart do...but right now this is just how I'm feeling.
