LifeChangingConversations

I'm having life changing conversations seemingly everyday either with myself (I know a bit off) or with my friends of late. Last night had no shortage of quizzical philosophy and religious banter. Of late the religious banter has clouded my mind unlike any other time in my life. This may have something to do with where my head has been of late (counseling sessions, talk of psych evals, etc yea who'd a thunk I'd be there) and the decisions that must be made in the near future. The discussion of my personal faith struck a chord with my friends as I tried to explain to them that recently I have had serious doubts about the last 20 years of my spiritual life. I've been meandering over the "fundamental principles of my faith" and what I believe now is becoming in sharp contrast to what I was raised to believe. During these moments of doubt, recollection, and inward journeying I was asked to describe my foundational beliefs, things that I cannot throw away no matter how lost I may feel. The major points I cannot throw away are 1) Sin is real and by that I mean that within all of us there is a desire to do wrong, be selfish, be mean, spiteful, steal, what have you, no matter how lost I have become, situations in my life have led me to believe that people are born into this disease and there is nothing we can do to escape it. I understand that dire circumstances also play a role in people's outlook and the life decisions they make, however I know through experience that "you don't have to teach a child to do wrong (as my granny would always say,) you got to teach em to do the right thing". 2) Faith in something is necessary for happiness. Without something to believe in we become hopeless pessimistic directionless creatures. The issue that I am having with this is I am starting to believe that a deity may not be the only plausible option to have faith in, though I am beginning to establish within myself that I am a deist. While this process of late is becoming taxing because it conjures an innumerable amount of questions that I don't have time to tackle now. 3) I believe in Jesus in the historical sense, that he was a man, that he had followers and that people died to defend his story. I cannot at this time devalue the significance of the man Jesus and his impact on society and spirituality. I am not ready to him as a deity for the simple fact that men have died when given the option to reject it or deny it. People have taken that to the grave and there are eyewitness accounts of his life and miraculous works. This being said, I don't know how much weight I can put on his deity and furthermore how much he is in control of daily activity. There are too many circumstances that I feel are illogical and have no rhyme or reason and seem only to be a matter of circumstance void of any mystical supernatural plan. Many of the situations I once deemed as an act of God now seem to be nothing more than coincidences and products of logical, scientific order. I also am starting to believe that I was only projecting an illogical perspective that was influenced by my upbringing as a Christian and that in the realm of Christendom Christians are quick to give God credit for the good he does but avoid the conversation when things don't make sense to us I.e. death and destruction. The conversation I have with many Christians about the bad things that happen in life simple ends in "it's in God's will" one of the most frustrating and hopeless feeling that I cannot at this time just let ride. Why am I supposed to wait on the will of God? I think this cripples many Christians because on the one end they believe that God is in control of all and he opens and closes doors on their behalf, he smites their enemies, he allows for wonderful things to happen to them, but when things go wrong we look for the silver lining and wait for God to turn things around for us. I have friends of all beliefs and I believe I admire the atheist the most. As I told my friends during this conversation "Atheist has a fire lit under them that inspires them into action that Christians will never experience. Because they don't wait on God to get things done they simple work harder to accomplish the good that they want to see." I'm going to get back to this at some point but for now I'm spending this summer journeying, learning, discussion, and doing what I WANT. Maybe along the way I'll find some answers but I will get back to this subject and let you'll know what I come up with.