Im a pauper in prince clothing and the sad thing is knowing that if they take a closer look they could read me like a book. What did I give up to get this way where people see the facade of the man I've worked so hard not to play. I'm losing it, it's not my mind why is my own respect so hard to find. I played the game like I was told sit back n ride on someone else's bold. Then seize the opp to seize the top at their expense A pauper in prince clothing in need of exposing the truth that still exists why am I still fighting with this? Cuz the truthful life is harder than I'd ever imagined being myself in my skin makes it harder to fit in. Like all the big city ppl with shirts and ties sophisticated folks are my demise. Line em up one two three in a row I need my country roots to let my country trees grow, stretch forth like you wanna w/o no inhibitions nobody fallin in line no need for social submission.

Your Last...

Your Last... I learned some upsetting news the other day about a man who helped me during a time of much trouble. Before I get into this I wanna make sure people know I'm not tryna make something out of nothing, create a story, be funny or anything of that nature...That being said this blog is about my Mechanic Angel....I know sounds a bit out there but bear with me. Mr.Larry aka my mechanic angel as some people who know me might remember me calling him, apparently passed months ago due to cancer. Who was this man to me, initially he was a phone call, a skilled mechanic, somebody I called when I needed work done on my car. A mere exchange of funds for some kind of service...That's what he was. His story meant nothing to me at the time his actions though appreciated weren’t of significance other than the task he was jokingly, my mechanic angel simply because he did a great work on my car every time I needed it. What is he now...well quite frankly he will be a constant reminder of what Life is like when you are a free person. Mr. Larry first did work on my car after my window was busted into about a year ago around this time. A friend of the family recommended him saying he was a skilled mechanic. Upon meeting him I thought nothing about him other than can he o the work, but as we created small talk to pass the time I realized that this guy had a story behind him. The way he interacted with me and my father let me know that not only was he good at what he did , but that he loved what he did. AS he worked on the window he searched my car looking for other things that might need mending, not to pocket more money but because he noticed this was my first car, nothing special but to me it was my everything and I could tell he knew this. He wanted to make sure every part of my champagne 97 camry was in working order and that I was satisfied with the vehicle and the work. All this initially made me nervous bcuz in my head I could tally up what this all would cost me, I've heard what a broken window can put you back, now multiply that by a college student and I knew I might have to ask the popz for a small loan...Expecting a 200 bill and a swift kick in the wallet I asked how much we looking at, Mr. Larry hadn’t given a price yet. He smiled and said whatever you want to give me is fine whatever ur able to come up with will do! me and my pops looked at him like “THIS SUCKER”… well I did but pops saw him as a blessing. point is it wasn’t the money that motivated him now do i know that at the time he knew he was battling cancer...naw, but either way u can pick up on a man’s spirit by how he goes about his work, u can also tell a lot about a man by the way he conducts his business...he could a spiked da price and i would a had to pay it and he woulda had a couple extra dollars n been about his day, but the seed he planted did more for the both of us by simply seeing my need extending a helping and generous hand and cutting the price for a broke college student. what that did was 1)make it easier for me to come back if need be, 2) tell others about his business so he'd get it all back any way 3) remove the uneasiness and uncertainty around him as an individual, i got to see the man, see his spirit, connect with him on a personal level...what's the point of it all??? In a day and age when the “me first” mentality clouds our mind and we all want to get rich or die tryin'...sometimes we gotta sit back and think "while I'm getting rich, what am i robbing from the people around me" it may not be money but it very well could be the opportunity to connect, establish community, establish friendships, assist a troubled or down trotten individual, the blinders of society make it so the as we get rich the community dies tryna save itself from itself.... not tryna get preachy but I do want to motivate you to conduct your self like your dayz are winding down. Like the end may be near, like you care about the human condition, enough to sacrifice something for something else to show itself. Sometimes it may be better to sacrifice “light green” to give hope, good nature, generosity and community the “green light”…Preciate you Mr. Larry

C'Mon u Gotta Do Better (the story of Girl X)

I learn it the hard way once again...I gotta stop doin it this way.


So over sometime now I've been in limbo concerning several situations in my life mainly people in it and how much they really mean to me. There was, lets just say girl X who I keep close but she didn't mean to me what I may have meant to her...I know I'm better than that but this is an area I'm working on...anyway I kept her close because she was familiar, but thank god I had a revelation concerning my approach to situations like this...So girl X and I was kicking it and nun too much a lil movie n a few drinks, nun special then it hit me 1. I'm too old for this or at least I know better than this, I realized the time she's investing in me is not worth ma time, not sayin im better than anybody but when u can look into a girls eyes and see she see's her ticket outta all the drama, hurt n pain she been thru instead of a parter a friend, it's time to seek companionship elsewhere, pops told me (always gonna refer to pop wisest men i know) that women sometimes will see the God in you b4 they ever see you, and that being said never become a woman's savior because you will only let her down...as she looked me in the eye, drinkin' my drinks, watchin; my cable, on my couch, in my house, lol goin to far but u feel me, i saw it was the God in me she wanted company with, not me, her life was tattered we both knew it, i was the guy she could be comfortable around, chill with, not have to be sexy around, not have to be on guard about, not have to worry if i was tryna get in her pants....and then it hit me, i def was tryna get in her pants and that bothered me to my core because that had never been me, i never wanted that for myself but time and really idle time allowed my mind to go there with someone who i at one point cared about enough to fight for...another revelation hit me, i was becoming the man i never wanted to be all because i was putting girl Y on the backburner (i'll explain later) she saw me as savior and i saw her as a decent time...both of us just using each other selfishly not really caring about the other in the least bit. both smiling like we were having a good time but in reallity we were escaping (for that moment in time) the hell we had created for ourselves, she created hell via bad relationship experiences in which she put too much in guys laps (literally and figuratively) and me by not accepting the love and affection of girl Y bcuz i'm still young n dumb and full of myself...It was by the grace of God that I came to my senses and built up enough intestinal fortitude to take her home and not fall into the traps of a bored wanna be bachelor. I had to go to God on this one bcuz all i have is my name in this earth and the funny thing is im not the one who can proclaim it, it is other people who must testify about my name, all i do is work hard to create a good case for it. I use to think it was only the popular and powerful people who could make or break me, but in all honesty, it's the people you look through who you encounter and behave wreckless about that can bring you down because they are the ones (at least in by life) that the part of you you dont want others to see comes out...Look at it like this when your name is called into judgement, it won't be your friends the "prosecution" calls to the stand, it will be the people u didnt try to butter up, but instead stepped on them to satisfy ur own selfish needs...C'mon (David) U gotta do better!

The Other Hell...are You Living in It???

Me and a Good friend of mine were riding around in the car having a heart to heart all out slugfest describing why we werent where we wanted to be as far as life plans, academics, relationships etc. me n this brotha -a - mine dnt see eye to eye on much and a lot of the time we disagree just to disagree (well I can only speak for myself) but this brotha dropped some knowledge i had to dump off in hopes someone grasps it better than me and does something with it...Hell Is When God Starts Showing You All The Things You Could Have Done But You Didnt...how profound is that when I heard it my heart sank my mouth was left open and my mind drifted to various scenarios where I played it safe, played it conservative, took minimal risk only to grasp minimal gains...I'm floored right now cuz at 22 I feel like a part of me is in hell and the sad part about it all is that once you start dwelling in this new hell the heat becomes bearable at times and a part of you is lost forever...How bout love for starters by playing it safe you take away the opportunity of someone else really getting to know you bcuz you were just focused on what you were doin and not what they could bring to the table, playing it safe in this regard is quite selfish and leads to missed opportuniies on lessons learned about yourself and others...2. Business and life opportunities are the most obvious to me Look at super sucessful ppl like Trump, Jordan, Gates, etc. These men took Big Risks and ultimately saw Great Rewards...Life is soooo based on reciprocity balance giving and getting karma what have you bottom line is you get in what you put out...and many times what you give may at the time be bigger than you're comfortable with or ready for but you have to be able to do this (im learning), if you want anything of substance, sacrificing the comfortable for a possible transformative experience...Mike Jordan wanted the ball in the final seconds and didnt shy from it and now not only is he known as one of the greatest players of all time but as one of the most clutch performers in sports history "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. Michael Jordan " all of this failure is seldom brought to the forefront of any conversation concerning "His Airness" We all know Bill Gates didnt finish the social pinnacle that we know as COLLEGE deciding to put all his marbles in Microsoft...needless to say that though it may have been gutsy at the time...it was a good move, what qualifies a good move. I believe intution is key but there has to be a determination to make it work, a common theme among ppl like this is their level of determination, their drive, their relentless prusuit of their end goals, but most importantly their perspective on failure is different from most people. These ppl get that as my father used to tell me before basketball games "You miss 100% of the shots you dont take" needless to saw I got a rep for being a ball hog but whatever this lesson has to be applied in the type of world we live in today, you cant walk around afraid to miss shots, afraid of the pressure afraid of the bad that comes with expectations, The shot we dont take now could be the hell we wake up to tomorrow. clutch performers in life thrive on the pressure because of two reasons 1. The have prepped for the situation and are ready to execute the hours of preparation and 2. after all that prep they still realize that at the end of the day their are only two outcomes and no one can say that they've experienced only the positives in life "Without Struggle there is no progress" " failure to try is trying for failure" blah blah blah... "You get the point...but you only get it if you take the shot"...

The Ability of Love...

Love is not a feeling, its an ability, watching this movie "Dan In Real Life", i stumbled on this quote an it got me to thinking. All my life I've heard ppl use Love as an emotion ( a: the affective aspect of consciousness : feeling b: a state of feeling c: a conscious mental reaction (as anger or fear) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body...does this even sound like real love, not that I am an exert in this area, but for a long time I've said and other ppl who know me have said I've been running from it for some time now, afraid of commitment, afraid of this connection that what other ppl are suppose to have when they "just know" c'mon ppl this doesn't make sense...a strong sense dedicated to an object since when does objectification sound like love, Lemme throw my own definition out there...yea its an ability, the ability to withstand and overcome obstacles that come in the way of a comittment to someone but its coupled with agility is the ability to change the body's position, and requires a combination of balance, coordination, speed, strength, endurance,and stamina. why agility? bcuz in my opinion it encompasses all necessary aspects of a strong relationship, balance, the foundation of the relationship enables both sides to show compassion and understanding during conflict, Coordination...making different people or things work together for a goal or effect. hence the compromise for the goal, speed is fueled by the desire to resolve conflict bcuz it does not help the end goal. it requires the strength to carry the load sometimes when the other is down and out in need of support, and an endurance that is showcased everyday when surrounded by a world that doesn't get or want love and will do anything to tear it down....I said all this to say that love cant be an emotion because those change, it is in my opinion a habit of practice, showing itself not just to a significant other but also to man kind, by showing love toward mankind you exercise this ability, you work it out, you see how far you really are, how selfish you really are and far you have to go or even want to go...We have to stop looking at it like a feeling and more like a journey with no destination, how different would we act if we couldn't tell if somebody loved us back but rather loved because it was right to do...treating love like law and hate like the infraction of moral/ civil law that it is...we cant keep preying on others emotions to try and evoke love, i think we just have to practice it, knowing that it strengthens our one God given ability that He has commanded of us...